Impetus to Freedom
One of the reasons I like to keep this blog is that it’s a place for me to reflect on my life. Some people I know think that I’m strange for wanting to publish my thoughts and feelings on the internet for anyone to read. But in a way, it’s helpful to get occasional feedback from a variety of people. This is one of those instances. I want to write another posting about my realizations of the importance of two specific relationships from my past. Contrary to what you may think when you read this type of post here in my little corner of the world I’m not writing this out of a longing for things to be as they were or for a replacement for what I have now. I am completely happy in my life now as it is and I don’t regret much of anything in my past.
Most of the time, when I think of my life my friends come into my thoughts because, as I’ve said before, everyone I get close to manages to teach me something or shape me in some way. Since I feel good about who I am now I think fondly of those who helped me get here. I’ve written about friends that I’ve had and that’s not caused much scandal. But today might prove otherwise; we shall see.
I got to thinking about two of the romantic relationships I’ve had the day before yesterday. I committed the crime of watching what I consider to be a terribly romantic movie and that set my mind spinning. The movie was “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind” and starring in it are Jim Carey, Kate Winslet, Kirsten Dunst, Mark Ruffalo, Elijah Wood, and Tom Wilkinson. In case you haven’t seen it, the movie focuses on a painfully introverted lonely guy who meets an extremely extroverted seemingly self-confident woman (I’m sure that at least one of my readers can see where this is going at this point). They get along well at first but eventually break up. Then the title credits roll and the movie starts. Joel (Jim Carey) is a lonely and quiet man just going about his day. He’s on his way to work or wherever he goes everyday on the train when he’s suddenly gripped by the notion that he should go out to Montauk-the end of the line on the train. When he gets there he runs into a fascinating young woman with bright blue hair. To make a long story short, after they break up, she has her memories of him selectively erased from her mind and then he does the same to her. But while he’s going through the procedure he changes his mind and then there is a race through his mind where he is trying to hide her somewhere that the men doing the erasing cannot find her. I know it sounds weird, but it really does work well in the movie.
But the movie was just impetus for my later musings. The girl made me think of Laurie and Terry. I’ll start with Terry because that’s a shorter story. The woman in the movie was showing Joel how to break free from his own limitations and how to enjoy that freedom. One of the reasons she made me think of Terry is simply that she dyed her hair such bright shades as Terry did from time to time. But the relationship between the characters of the movie also made me think of Terry because by being with her, I learned how to take control of my own freedom. For the most part, I overcame my tendency to hand over all control of my fate to someone else. I had done that before her time and again and I lost a few friends because of it. But the fact that in the end she turned out to be definitely not who I wanted to be with forced me to think more about myself. I’m not saying that she was a bad person. In fact, I liked her personality and such, but I didn’t feel that she was a person who I wanted to hold on to any longer. When we broke up I felt a freedom that I had never previously known.
Here I have to turn my attention to Laurie. Laurie is one of the most influential people in my history. I met her at a time when I was living outside of my safe little hometown for the first time. I was at Bridgewater State College-100 miles from mommy-and I had gone through one year of school. I’d started to really come out of my shell and was looking for a guide to take my hand and pull me out the rest of the way. Laurie turned out to be that guide. I spoke to her first because of her purple hair-hence part of the parallel with the movie. I saw her and I thought, “There’s someone I HAVE to talk to!” Boy am I glad I did. Even today she remains a good friend on whom I know I can trust to see me for who I am and to respect me. She took me to Boston for my first trip trough the subway without any parental guidance. She took me to an underground gothic dance club called Man Ray and to a funky restaurant called the Middle East (for some damn fine falafel!). My relationship with her was intense from the start and we clicked together very well. She showed me what freedom feels like and that it could be felt with another person. She introduced me to all kinds of interesting people. She opened doors in my mind that have never closed and are the basis for my perception of my personal freedom. I learned through her that even though one is not completely balanced inside, freedom exists. I’m still trying to learn that lesson. I’ve always let my emotions get the better of me. But in my relationship with her, it was possible to let it out and then laugh. We talked a lot. I remember one day in particular walking for hours in a park-I believe it was in Easton-talking about something that she’d experienced which had a dramatic emotional effect on her. Before I met Laurie most of the girls I’d known were the safe variety. They had never been utterly consumed by their emotions the way Laurie and I have. Now, a decade later, when we talk it’s the same as it was then.
Right now, as I sit here typing, I know that on the other side of the country (on vacation, visiting her family) is the woman with whom I will live until I die. Some people would say that such a thought violates this personal freedom that I’ve been ranting about for the last two pages. But the freedom that comes from finding the person who will love and respect you and will allow you to be yourself is a far more wonderful freedom than I could imagine having alone. For one thing, if not for my wife being so diligent to make money, I would not be in school. I’m living out a life-long dream that I could never before afford. Having a wife who respects my desires helps me to achieve what I want. Furthermore, her willingness to work with me so we can both find happiness and success together releases me from restrictions in a way that makes my autonomy far more enjoyable. So this freedom that Laurie awakened in me and Terry forced me to rely upon remains a constant driving force in what I do and how I live and I owe them a debt of gratitude for their part in forming who I am.
Most of the time, when I think of my life my friends come into my thoughts because, as I’ve said before, everyone I get close to manages to teach me something or shape me in some way. Since I feel good about who I am now I think fondly of those who helped me get here. I’ve written about friends that I’ve had and that’s not caused much scandal. But today might prove otherwise; we shall see.
I got to thinking about two of the romantic relationships I’ve had the day before yesterday. I committed the crime of watching what I consider to be a terribly romantic movie and that set my mind spinning. The movie was “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind” and starring in it are Jim Carey, Kate Winslet, Kirsten Dunst, Mark Ruffalo, Elijah Wood, and Tom Wilkinson. In case you haven’t seen it, the movie focuses on a painfully introverted lonely guy who meets an extremely extroverted seemingly self-confident woman (I’m sure that at least one of my readers can see where this is going at this point). They get along well at first but eventually break up. Then the title credits roll and the movie starts. Joel (Jim Carey) is a lonely and quiet man just going about his day. He’s on his way to work or wherever he goes everyday on the train when he’s suddenly gripped by the notion that he should go out to Montauk-the end of the line on the train. When he gets there he runs into a fascinating young woman with bright blue hair. To make a long story short, after they break up, she has her memories of him selectively erased from her mind and then he does the same to her. But while he’s going through the procedure he changes his mind and then there is a race through his mind where he is trying to hide her somewhere that the men doing the erasing cannot find her. I know it sounds weird, but it really does work well in the movie.
But the movie was just impetus for my later musings. The girl made me think of Laurie and Terry. I’ll start with Terry because that’s a shorter story. The woman in the movie was showing Joel how to break free from his own limitations and how to enjoy that freedom. One of the reasons she made me think of Terry is simply that she dyed her hair such bright shades as Terry did from time to time. But the relationship between the characters of the movie also made me think of Terry because by being with her, I learned how to take control of my own freedom. For the most part, I overcame my tendency to hand over all control of my fate to someone else. I had done that before her time and again and I lost a few friends because of it. But the fact that in the end she turned out to be definitely not who I wanted to be with forced me to think more about myself. I’m not saying that she was a bad person. In fact, I liked her personality and such, but I didn’t feel that she was a person who I wanted to hold on to any longer. When we broke up I felt a freedom that I had never previously known.
Here I have to turn my attention to Laurie. Laurie is one of the most influential people in my history. I met her at a time when I was living outside of my safe little hometown for the first time. I was at Bridgewater State College-100 miles from mommy-and I had gone through one year of school. I’d started to really come out of my shell and was looking for a guide to take my hand and pull me out the rest of the way. Laurie turned out to be that guide. I spoke to her first because of her purple hair-hence part of the parallel with the movie. I saw her and I thought, “There’s someone I HAVE to talk to!” Boy am I glad I did. Even today she remains a good friend on whom I know I can trust to see me for who I am and to respect me. She took me to Boston for my first trip trough the subway without any parental guidance. She took me to an underground gothic dance club called Man Ray and to a funky restaurant called the Middle East (for some damn fine falafel!). My relationship with her was intense from the start and we clicked together very well. She showed me what freedom feels like and that it could be felt with another person. She introduced me to all kinds of interesting people. She opened doors in my mind that have never closed and are the basis for my perception of my personal freedom. I learned through her that even though one is not completely balanced inside, freedom exists. I’m still trying to learn that lesson. I’ve always let my emotions get the better of me. But in my relationship with her, it was possible to let it out and then laugh. We talked a lot. I remember one day in particular walking for hours in a park-I believe it was in Easton-talking about something that she’d experienced which had a dramatic emotional effect on her. Before I met Laurie most of the girls I’d known were the safe variety. They had never been utterly consumed by their emotions the way Laurie and I have. Now, a decade later, when we talk it’s the same as it was then.
Right now, as I sit here typing, I know that on the other side of the country (on vacation, visiting her family) is the woman with whom I will live until I die. Some people would say that such a thought violates this personal freedom that I’ve been ranting about for the last two pages. But the freedom that comes from finding the person who will love and respect you and will allow you to be yourself is a far more wonderful freedom than I could imagine having alone. For one thing, if not for my wife being so diligent to make money, I would not be in school. I’m living out a life-long dream that I could never before afford. Having a wife who respects my desires helps me to achieve what I want. Furthermore, her willingness to work with me so we can both find happiness and success together releases me from restrictions in a way that makes my autonomy far more enjoyable. So this freedom that Laurie awakened in me and Terry forced me to rely upon remains a constant driving force in what I do and how I live and I owe them a debt of gratitude for their part in forming who I am.
posted by Our Hero, at 11:44 AM
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